My muse and I hit the road for our first road trip of the summer on Thursday. This could be a travel post but it’s not. I feel like a bucket of cold water has been dumped on my head. Only once I get the water out of my eyes, there’s just doors everywhere in front of me. Decisions. Too many directions to go towards for someone who would usually needs an extra push for those difficult choices.
My best friends pregnant. I’m not sure she’s fully grasped just what’s about to happen in her life, I still can’t wrap my head around it. We were suppose to backpack South East Asia in January, now she’ll be about ready to give birth at that time. I watched the cousin I grew up calling my twin get married. Two of my other cousins and a friend are also engaged. I guess I’ve finally hit the age when everyone starts settling down and getting married and I’m over here trying to decide which country I want to live in.
It’s not exactly the fear of missing out I’m experiencing, but the fear of falling behind. I thought I’d be engaged by now if I’m being honest. I figured I’d be able to force myself to settle down, get an apartment in the city, have a group of friends all doing the same thing, simple. Yet here I am, back from another too short trip home and I probably won’t see anyone of them for another 8 months, at that. I don’t miss them when I’m gone. I’ve always been able to keep in touch with the ones who matter. I’ve had a non stop conversation going with an exchange student from high school for 7 years. We’ve visited in Germany and in Canada 5? maybe 6 times since her original exchange and will continue to do so.
I’ve fallen out of love with Banff, hard to believe some where so beautiful seems so dull to me. I’m not sure what changed, something inside of me? Seeing Vancouver, the city that will never be beat for me might have done it. Everything I loved now seems second rate. I spent today in bed, there was a mix of junk food, crying and sleep. I’m going to take tomorrow to open my heart. Try and fall back in love with the town I call my home. I fall in and out of love so easily. But I struggle to ever let go.
I want to live near the ocean. Maybe I’ll move to Tofino and learn to surf. I want to do the West Coast Trail next summer. I still want to move to Australia, I hate pushing it back because it makes everything seem less attainable. Maybe the reality is I stopped viewing this relationship as having a deadline. My grandpa asked me if he was permanent? How can I answer that about something so new? And if there’s no deadline, when is Australia suppose to happen? What if I stayed for a boy and everything fell apart? What if What if What if.
I once read that a woman is ready once she finds out she’s pregnant. A man is ready once he holds the baby. Only I’ve always had more manly tendencies. I think I won’t be ready until I buy my ticket across the world. I just wanted to sit and vent and probably cry while going over everything with a fine toothed comb until some kind of end result is realized. I miss having someone who knows you so well they can tell from a text that something’s wrong. Take one look at you and say “lay it on me”. Each day is coming off as a struggle. I hate having to force myself out of bed, hiding from conversation, feeling empty. Tomorrow is a new day.