I Have A Dream

Santa 507.JPGThe Martin Luther King Jr. speech was post on the wall in my basement for as long as I can remember. I used to read and re-read it when I was younger as I found it calming, grounding. And lately, I have a dream of my own. Even though I am filled with self doubt, I want to let it be.

A little catch up, I’m still living in Banff National Park, I have 23 days remaining, 26 until my flight to South Africa. I did get a second job like I wanted though, I am a Virtual Assistant to an online company in Australia. Pretty much I answer her company emails and send through orders. But working for her has opened my eyes to so many possibilities and made me want to pursue my dream.

I want to create a brand. When I went home last week, I met up with 2 of my good friends from high school who have both just graduated with degrees in business from 2 different universities. So on a whim, I told them about my dream. My friend fired question after question, trying to get me to crack, to prove I didn’t know what I was talking about. And after all was said and done, they both looked at me and said “Do it.” I wanted to cry.

My biggest hold up? The impressions that have been forced down my throat for as long as I can remember, by society and by my family. I never went to university, I don’t have a degree or diploma. My highest form of education is high school and that means I’ll never be paid as much as I could. But all I see is a piece of paper. A fucking piece of paper worth 4 years of your life and $100,000 dollars worth of debt.

So who are they to say I can’t succeed in the era of .com. What’s amazing about the internet, is everything is accessible. EVERYTHING can be found online at your finger tips. I spend hours a day reading blogs, watching webinars, researching how other people are traveling the world, living how they want through an online business they created without university.

Then there’s the courses, free and paid, that will teach you anything. They have them on everything from starting an email list, web design, data entry or Pinterest, Instagram and Facebook. Why can’t I take all this free information, mixed with the bloggers list of mistakes they made and start.

So here is me, giving myself another deadline. July last year, I told myself I had one year to get to Australia and my flight now lands May 12th. Now, I want to make 1 single sale by December 31st, 2017. 8 months.
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Stay tuned as I’m sure I’ll be ranting and raving about web design in no time.

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Running from lost boys and lost love

I’ve avoided writing recently. I hate letting people in and I feel like things got very real recently. A friend of mine has returned to town and we had quite a few DMs. Deep and meaningful conversations. There was a lot to be said about lost love, good sex and painful family memories. It’s funny how a familiar face can break down so many walls. I felt like I was transported back 3 years and reliving my worse nightmare all over again. 

I’m having doubts about my plans for next year. I want to leave the country, permanently. But I wonder, am I running? Am I running from a broken heart that I’m afraid might never heal? Every time I read a love story, every time someone tells me “how they knew”, my heart tightens because it’s something I already had. And I lost it. So where does that leave me? 

I’m not really the type to believe that there’s always something better, that the grass can be greener. I think you should be happy with what you have. So it makes me think that moving to Australia, I might not find what’s missing in my life, what’s created a void in my chest. I might just come face to face with my demons and want to return to the ice land I’m leaving. 

I wanted to travel the world before I fell in love. That’s what I keep telling myself. I always wanted to move to Australia and work and travel, backpack south east Asia, teach English in Korea. New Zealand wasn’t on the map but it certainly is now. I feel like I won’t be ready until I’m on the flight. And then I’ll either spiral into depression and be on the next flight back out or love every second of it. Maybe find love. 

I told a friend I was going to find a husband. Not true, but I wouldn’t object to finding someone willing to travel the world with me. I’m living in a place where everyone is here temporarily. You don’t settle in a mountain town where the residents trade out every 6 months with the seasons. But I can’t go home. I won’t. So I need a new home. And that’s what I’m looking for. That’s what I hope to fill the void with, a place to call home. I have my fingers crossed that I’m not chasing a pipe dream, that maybe I’m just not cut out for this world. 

Adapt

Have you ever looked at yourself and realized things have changed? In you, in your life, in your personality. I noticed it the other day when I was talking with a friend. I’d actually had the exact same conversation one week prior with a different friend but had ignored her answer due to thinking she was just being a supportive female. Some times I feel like when I talk to girls about problems, I can feel the figurative back pat as they tell me I deserve better, I am better. Maybe it took a guy to convince me I’m so off base with my self perceptions because I feel they see black and white. 

I told my friend I’m nervous about this concert we’re going to as the two boys know everyone in town but no one I’ve talked to is going. The last thing I want is to be a third wheel. Feel like I’m encroaching on their crowd by not having my own. He gave me the weirdest look. To sum it up, he looked at me like I was huffing. Then he looked around the table and said you’re at the bar with 7 guys, you’re not awkward. 

Growing up, I was fucking awkward. I wore florescent tights, old dance costumes, thrift store dresses, all in one. None of them matching. I didn’t understand, still don’t most days, why a plaid sweater, striped pants and a polka dot shirt don’t go together. Let me be honest when I say I never look in the mirror. Not in a “I don’t like the way I look” kind of way but I never double check an outfit or put on make up. So when I’m getting ready, there’s no reason to stop and stare. But now, every once in a while, I spend time. I put on mascara and lipstick, the only make up I own. I wear a tight fitting dress or show cleavage, because I’m comfortable. I may not be 100% on board with my body but I don’t think I’m unattractive, just different. 

My dad used to make comments hinting at he thought I was gay. It could’ve been that as I got older I only hung out with guys and played video games. Or the fact that I didn’t date a boy until I was 17, even then I didn’t even tell them about him till much later. I’m not an openly affectionate person which I’ve been trying to change. And maybe I already have. I usually kiss the boys on the forehead to say goodbye. I tell my best friends I love them regularly. But I was completely caught off guard when 2 people back to back told me I wasn’t awkward. 

I’m as awkward as they come. Or at least I thought I was. There’s only one guy that I can’t have a conversation with and look in the eye. I have no problem being honest, if you ask a direct question I will give a direct answer. Even when it’s probably better not too. 

But having 2 good friends tell me the same thing took my by surprise. And makes me think that the passed 4 years when I’ve been hopping from job to job and town to town, maybe I changed. Maybe I grew up. Which makes me really happy, only I’m not ready to share what I’m planning yet. Everything is going to change in a big way in six months and I couldn’t be happier. 

I’m sure in the next post I’ll go into detail of what is in store for 2017. But right now, it’s my dirty little secret. 

Changing Paths

It’s better to chase something you want verses letting it slip by. You’ll always wander as things pass you by what if but when it’s something you truly want, you’ll know. It’ll hit you like a ton of bricks, or a bus. The moment you lose it, there’s an intense regret over messing up whatever the situation was. 

Yesterday I read something beautiful, it spoke straight into my heart and I could feel myself melting. The cold exterior I built around myself over the last year started to wear away, and that scares the living shit out of me. I’ve been in love. It was pure bliss, having someone know you so completely that you feel whole. So when that ends, it’ll never end neatly or peacefully. It’s called heart break for a reason. 

How do you open yourself up to potential self-destruction? With something incredible standing in front of me, I’m having a fight or flight moment. All I’ve done the last year is run, from everything that wouldn’t have been easy emotionally, I wanted to rid my life of negativity. I am truly unbelievably happy in life at this moment. And I have a possibility to feel whole again, whether it be six days, six weeks or six months. But can I handle the aftermath?

Growing up, I knew I have a destructive personality. When I’m unhappy, I crave change. I’ve shaved my head, quit jobs, bought a new car, solely because something needs to change in my life for me to move forward again. I had 6 months of wallowing after my ex. 6 months of letting him use me, tears and netflixs. It’s the darkest period in my life because I feel like I stopped living. Someone asked me why I would deny something I want. I usually believe in throwing yourself at the things you want. You want to move? Go for it. Over your lover? Leave him. Sushi? Sushi. But matters of the heart are a different category. I keep it locked away from all situations for safe keeping. 

But caving for a desire that will reveal the door? I take that seriously. Because if they’re using you, or lying to get whatever they want, at the end of the day they move on satisfied while I sit at home with a hole punched through my wall and a new layer of ice around my heart. Right now, I feel like I’ve taken my eyes off the key for a second, and you’re standing in front of me with it in your hands. I am completely terrified, frozen with fear, I feel as if the floor has dropped out from beneath my feet. 

But I’ve decided this is something I want to hold onto, not pass me by. Normally I’d kill to have that key and keep my doors hidden, but I’m stepping aside and the choice is yours. If it ends in heartbreak, at least I’ll be able to look back and know that I was truly happy in that moment. 

Aspire to Inspire


That’s probably my favourite quote. The structure, the rhyming and the message. I would get a tattoo of it but every time I think I’ve settled on a tattoo, it turns into the latest trend. Like a flat globe or wanderlust or the infinity symbol. But I feel I’ve discovered a muse. Which I always associated with old men and young blonde women but in my opinion it’s your source of inspiration in human form. Robert Graves said that male muses don’t exist, a female poet must be her own muse or she is nothing.  I’m the exact opposite of a feminist because I believe in equality not power. But I don’t agree with this strictly because if there’s one for a boy, there’s one for a girl. Equal

I read elsewhere that a male muse is titled an Agent of Fortune. But that doesn’t have the same, je ne sais quoi of muse. So I’m sticking with my original sentence of I’ve discovered a muse. I find myself craving to write, to express my inner thoughts. I dont want to be sensored as I usually am from fear of family and friends judgement. 

I want to be real. This isn’t saying that everything I’ve written before is fake but there may have been a family zone glossing over those posts. I feel newly awakened in a sense I have felt since returning from Europe 2 years ago. 

I described to a friend that our conversations are like debate class. It’s not arguing but we seem to see everything from completely opposite sides while still being open to the other side. It’s almost educational but completely eye opening to a different view on life. I find myself coming home and thinking why did I just reveal so much about myself, just completely opening up when I’ve cut everyone out for so long. But if my summer is filled with late night tea dates and life discussions, then I am ready. 

Vibing

Have you ever read someone’s blog, or looked through their Instagram feed and thought, I want to meet this person? How the way someone describes their day grabs you and pulls you in. You want to know more, how they came to the sentence, what movies or song lyrics influenced their vocabulary and writing style. Or what they were thinking as they took the shot. Are they like me who takes two pictures but doesn’t check them because “you can’t force perfection.” Which is just my way to avoid stressing over the perfect picture, if it happens, it happens. Que sera, sera. 

It’s a rare but beautiful occurance that should never be taken for granted. But it’s hard. I’ve had five minute conversations in the bar bathroom or 10 minute conversations with a make up artist and thought, can I ask for her number? Can I say let’s be friends, you’re awesome? I just want to get coffee and keep you in my life because you make me happy. I have a fear they’ll think I’m crazy or trying to pick them up, I’m not sure which makes me more uncomfortable. 

Maybe this is a personal goal I need to make, to not let soul companions slip through the cracks. There’s been 3 in the last six months. One left town but I’m hoping to see on a quick trip home in the summer. Another one has been kind of floating on the edge of my life for a few months but now I’m thinking I should reel him in. And then there’s a new one. He has opened my eyes and I want him. Not in a sexual way, I just want to know more. All of him, what makes a clock tock? Why are you who you are and does it say anything about who I am? We shall see what we shall see. 

australia-beach-beautiful-sunset-scene-wallpaper-for-desktop-background-picures-freeI just feel like I’ve left my last post open ended, on a bit of a cliff hanger you know? I didn’t mean to it just got caught up in this thing we call life.

Part of me feels like I took the easy way out. I said no to a passionate relationship with someone who fell in love with me in the span of a week. At the same time, I had so many reservations, he was very demanding and controlling. I’ll admit I’ve read 50 shades of Grey and thought having my own Christian Grey sounds enticing. But I can not forfeit total control. There’s a lure to just giving in, not having to think when you’re with someone. Just know that they know you best and know what you want, need and desire. I’m not talking in a purely physical sense, I mean if I’m crying, do they know to give you space or force you to open up.

In the end, it was a night out with my friends that solidified my decision. I was in an abusive relationship 4 days before I met the new boo and what made me leave was the realization of options. Why succumb yourself to constant acts of malice and hatred when you can find love in a multitude of forms in any period through out your life. I feel like I was hiding in the relationship, it covered up having to face that I was alone and had moved provinces and left my life behind. Only after leaving my cruel girlfriend and meeting Dylan 2.0, I realized the best thing for me at this point in time is to be single.

I want to stay out all night dancing. I want to crash on friends couches, spare beds or floors without someone interrogating me on where I spent the night and getting upset because all my friends are guys. I want to feel alive. And I don’t want any strings, I don’t want someone to follow me around the world, as sweet as the gesture. I love being alone and being me, seeing how far I can push myself.

In the end, I sent a message saying this:

You know, I love beaches, oceans, warm waves. I want to go to Australia or Mexico or Honduras. But it’s like you want to go to Aspen or Japan for the powder and snow. It sounds amazing when you talk about it and you could convince me to want it.But it’s not really what I want, I don’t like the snow or the cold. You’ve just spun a pretty picture that I’m convinced I could want it. Only at the end of the day, I’m only doing it because it’s what you want. That’s how I feel about being with you. You could convince me of how amazing our love would be but I don’t want it. I want to be single, to be free, I want all the options open to me even if I don’t want to take those opportunities. I’m sorry I’ve been so indecisive but this is my final decision. I don’t want this.

Is it better to have loved and lost?

  I know this isn’t my typical post. Usually I’m talking about whatever European city I’ve recently visited, which Canadian province I’m moving to or which mountain town holds my next employment opportunity. But as of the last week, I’ve been struggling with love. 

I can distinctively say I’ve been in love twice. The first time was a whirlwind love at first site, lasted two days and I never saw him again. You may say that that is not love, but when I did finally meet up with my German Romeo four years later, it was like I was sixteen all over again. There’s a deep connection that makes me feel unexplainable connected to him. I can understand him when he speaks German and he understands me even though his English is mediocre at best. I can only describe him as a soul mate. 

Sorry that was extremely sappy. My second love started slower and was a high school sweet heart. We dated for 3 years before my entire world was destroyed. 

So now here I am, just out of a 7 month I don’t even know how to describe it relationship with a girl. This girl treated me like dirt, critiqued my every move and just generally only cared about herself. I’ve been free for two weeks and couldn’t be happier. Only, 1 week ago I met a boy. 

The new boy, has terrifyingly similar resemblances to my high school sweet heart. Starting with they have the same name, ending with our first date was on my old anniversary. This new boy, will tell me I’m beautiful, that I deserve to be loved and happy and that he believes he can do both for me. 

IT’S BEEN A WEEK. Now at first, it was all romantic and whimsical like a book where they elope after a two week whirlwind of sex and romance and over coming obstacles. Only thoses ones all involve billionaires. And now, I can see everything he’s saying but my heart is telling me to run.

The last year my heart has been in a constant stake of broken. I decided I’d rather deny myself another shot at love to preserve my sanity and spend some time alone. But am i making the right choice? Or am I just hiding from pain. Is it better to have loved and lost? Being in love is an incredible thing, but I’m not willing to part with any part of me at the moment, I can’t give myself fully to someone while I’m trying to heal my heart. I am not a coward but this feels like the cowards way out.  
 
If you have any comments or opinions, post at the bottom. Feed back is always appreciated. 

It’s the Journey, not the Destination.

Fair warning, this is a motivational speech to myself. If it helps you, then you are welcome. But in no way am I bragging or trying to say I’m the shit.

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My names Felicia Day. No I’m not the red headed youtube blogger that so many boys list after but we do have the same name. I am 20 years old from beautiful British Columbia, Canada. This past summer I spent three months alone in europe and entered 13 different countries. The past two and some months I was totally and completely head over heals in love. The kind that makes your toes curl and all my friends would tell me they wish they could find their own Dylan. Three years ago I was student body president and planned a grad cruise solo.

I’ve had more jobs than I care to count, managed to stay in touch with the majority of my friends and then some. I packed up and moved provinces for two months because I felt like it. I have a solid group of male best friends that all turn into over protective brothers the second I mention finding a new man.

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I’ve been sitting in self pity the past two months wondering where I went wrong. Was taking that trip to be secure in who I am the wrong choice? Does having a drunken make out with dutch God while separated and completely single make me a cheap whore? Is there anything I could’ve said or done to save the deepest love I’ve ever felt? The answer to all of these questions is no. Some doors close. I need to accept it, maybe I won’t text the same people next month that I do now. Maybe I can’t spend my weekends at your house because it just hurts us both.

A friend told me I’ve done more than anyone in our grad class, someone else then said I’ve done more than some will do in their lifetime. And that’s completely true. Some people never leave their country, some people never find themselves. I’m a strong believer in faking it until your confident at it. No one needs to see your weakness, I don’t have any to show. I’m going to take my life back, one day at a time. Everything looks bleak right now, I’m so torn in so many directions. To run or to stay, face my reality or just restart else where. Only time will tell what life has in store for the next three years of my life. All I know is that the next man I give my heart to will be amazing because he’ll have to beat out the last, and those are some large shoes to fill.

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I’m Coming Home

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I’m having extremely mixed feelings on heading home. This trip made me realize what I wanted in life was happiness over anything else. I don’t care about having a wedding for all to see or having a mansion for people to ogle. But with 9 days to go before home coming I had my heart broken and all my plans for the future come to a halt.

Now my future is looking pretty bleak. I can’t decide on what I want, I can’t think of anything past arriving at the airport, going home and curling into a ball. Thankfully I have extremely supportive friends who are all welcoming me to their places with open arms. But they’re not the arms I want to be in and nothing seems to make this feeling of utter lose lessen.
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Now I don’t regret my trip, it was amazing. I made some life long friends, saw places I’d only dreamed of, drank more alcohol than should be humanly possible but I should’ve waited. I was too blind with excitement to consider that the life I put on hold in Canada wasn’t as stable as I’d thought. I didn’t think so much could change in one summer, that I’d come home to everything being completely different. I feel I was incredibly selfish and only thought of myself and because of that I have nothing left.

Now I’m contemplating Ireland, Quebec or England. The job I decided I want doesn’t matter anymore because I can’t handle the idea of being in Vancouver. A cruise ship would be nice, maybe I’ll apply to move to any of the major ski resorts in the interior. I can’t handle facing my family and the questions of what happened, the thought of seeing the girl who’s now my replacement with the boy I thought I was spending my life with. I always tell people Vancouver’s a pretty small city, but now it seems suffocating. I need to get out. And soon.

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