Running from lost boys and lost love

I’ve avoided writing recently. I hate letting people in and I feel like things got very real recently. A friend of mine has returned to town and we had quite a few DMs. Deep and meaningful conversations. There was a lot to be said about lost love, good sex and painful family memories. It’s funny how a familiar face can break down so many walls. I felt like I was transported back 3 years and reliving my worse nightmare all over again. 

I’m having doubts about my plans for next year. I want to leave the country, permanently. But I wonder, am I running? Am I running from a broken heart that I’m afraid might never heal? Every time I read a love story, every time someone tells me “how they knew”, my heart tightens because it’s something I already had. And I lost it. So where does that leave me? 

I’m not really the type to believe that there’s always something better, that the grass can be greener. I think you should be happy with what you have. So it makes me think that moving to Australia, I might not find what’s missing in my life, what’s created a void in my chest. I might just come face to face with my demons and want to return to the ice land I’m leaving. 

I wanted to travel the world before I fell in love. That’s what I keep telling myself. I always wanted to move to Australia and work and travel, backpack south east Asia, teach English in Korea. New Zealand wasn’t on the map but it certainly is now. I feel like I won’t be ready until I’m on the flight. And then I’ll either spiral into depression and be on the next flight back out or love every second of it. Maybe find love. 

I told a friend I was going to find a husband. Not true, but I wouldn’t object to finding someone willing to travel the world with me. I’m living in a place where everyone is here temporarily. You don’t settle in a mountain town where the residents trade out every 6 months with the seasons. But I can’t go home. I won’t. So I need a new home. And that’s what I’m looking for. That’s what I hope to fill the void with, a place to call home. I have my fingers crossed that I’m not chasing a pipe dream, that maybe I’m just not cut out for this world.