Have you ever looked at yourself and realized things have changed? In you, in your life, in your personality. I noticed it the other day when I was talking with a friend. I’d actually had the exact same conversation one week prior with a different friend but had ignored her answer due to thinking she was just being a supportive female. Some times I feel like when I talk to girls about problems, I can feel the figurative back pat as they tell me I deserve better, I am better. Maybe it took a guy to convince me I’m so off base with my self perceptions because I feel they see black and white. 

I told my friend I’m nervous about this concert we’re going to as the two boys know everyone in town but no one I’ve talked to is going. The last thing I want is to be a third wheel. Feel like I’m encroaching on their crowd by not having my own. He gave me the weirdest look. To sum it up, he looked at me like I was huffing. Then he looked around the table and said you’re at the bar with 7 guys, you’re not awkward. 

Growing up, I was fucking awkward. I wore florescent tights, old dance costumes, thrift store dresses, all in one. None of them matching. I didn’t understand, still don’t most days, why a plaid sweater, striped pants and a polka dot shirt don’t go together. Let me be honest when I say I never look in the mirror. Not in a “I don’t like the way I look” kind of way but I never double check an outfit or put on make up. So when I’m getting ready, there’s no reason to stop and stare. But now, every once in a while, I spend time. I put on mascara and lipstick, the only make up I own. I wear a tight fitting dress or show cleavage, because I’m comfortable. I may not be 100% on board with my body but I don’t think I’m unattractive, just different. 

My dad used to make comments hinting at he thought I was gay. It could’ve been that as I got older I only hung out with guys and played video games. Or the fact that I didn’t date a boy until I was 17, even then I didn’t even tell them about him till much later. I’m not an openly affectionate person which I’ve been trying to change. And maybe I already have. I usually kiss the boys on the forehead to say goodbye. I tell my best friends I love them regularly. But I was completely caught off guard when 2 people back to back told me I wasn’t awkward. 

I’m as awkward as they come. Or at least I thought I was. There’s only one guy that I can’t have a conversation with and look in the eye. I have no problem being honest, if you ask a direct question I will give a direct answer. Even when it’s probably better not too. 

But having 2 good friends tell me the same thing took my by surprise. And makes me think that the passed 4 years when I’ve been hopping from job to job and town to town, maybe I changed. Maybe I grew up. Which makes me really happy, only I’m not ready to share what I’m planning yet. Everything is going to change in a big way in six months and I couldn’t be happier. 

I’m sure in the next post I’ll go into detail of what is in store for 2017. But right now, it’s my dirty little secret. 


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