the head and the heart

My head and my heart have been in an argument for the past year. I dated someone who was horrible to me but my head told my heart it was what I needed. What I deserved. I’d had it too good, someone who loved me unconditionally, and I broke him. So I spent 7 months with someone who hated me unconditionally until my heart shut down, there was nothing left in me, so I left. After that, I wouldn’t let anyone in. I met someone who tried to convince me that I deserve to be loved, that happiness can exist again in the form of a relationship. I did what felt right at the time, I ran away. I just wasn’t ready for someone to want me, put themselves out there for me to take. So i bid my time, decided to just be single, be me. 

The most recent argument came around my birthday. There was an internal battle. Most people will tell you to follow your heart, but for some reason my head claims my heart to be weak, to be scared. My head decided that 6 months was enough time to heal a broken heart, I actually didn’t love my ex, if anything I was still recovering from my first break up a year and a half previously. My head told my heart to take the risk, to give someone a chance, let someone in. My heart said no. My heart decided to trick the head into thinking that the heart was going along with it. The door was cracked open, just enough to appease the head, let some emotions show, let my head believe that maybe there was something more, something there. Only, my heart wasn’t in it.

The reality hit when things ended. It didn’t hurt. You’d think if I gave someone my heart it would hurt. I spent 6 months drinking and battling depression in a basement because it fucking hurts when your heart is broken. But this time, I was angry. I wanted respect. This is the god dam 21st century and I refuse to be tossed aside or strung along. My head realised the mistake he’d made of pushing my heart to attempt love when the heart wasn’t ready after being stood up. Zero respect from someone who claimed to have loved me, who wasn’t trying to hurt me but already had a new flavor of the week. Someone who was too coward to tell me to my face that they were over me, that they’d moved on. 

For someone who should be, my head is not a listener. My head will gloss it all over, I may have been told repeatedly that he treated girls like shit, my heart knew he treated women like objects, I was always just a warm place for his dick. But my head, forever confident said I am different, while my heart asked what makes me different? My head was so caught up in the idea of love, the notion of trust and adventure and devotion, he never realized my heart wasn’t in it. Until it didn’t break. My heart was still vaulted down behind the door that had been cracked open to pacify my head. So while there was some minor blowback and flashes of pain, he knew better than to come out.

Here’s hoping this little adventure will give my head a little perspective. Just because I don’t want to be alone, I miss the idea of love in my life, doesn’t mean chase it down the coke alley. There will be someone. Someone who brings my heart out without my head even noticing. They will be a warm beacon to defrost all the ice built around my core. I had a conversation with my ex recently. He told me we couldn’t be friends because his new girlfriend hates me. She’ll forever blame me for the lies he told and he’ll forever compare every girl to me. Don’t think I can be pushed aside, I hold a place in his heart as securely as he is in mine. I taught you how to fuck, fuck boy. There will always be temporary love, infatuations; Minor obsessions, something new and exciting in this drab world. But there is also true wholesome love. No matter what my head is telling my heart, my heart can always tell the difference.

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