the head and the heart

My head and my heart have been in an argument for the past year. I dated someone who was horrible to me but my head told my heart it was what I needed. What I deserved. I’d had it too good, someone who loved me unconditionally, and I broke him. So I spent 7 months with someone who hated me unconditionally until my heart shut down, there was nothing left in me, so I left. After that, I wouldn’t let anyone in. I met someone who tried to convince me that I deserve to be loved, that happiness can exist again in the form of a relationship. I did what felt right at the time, I ran away. I just wasn’t ready for someone to want me, put themselves out there for me to take. So i bid my time, decided to just be single, be me. 

The most recent argument came around my birthday. There was an internal battle. Most people will tell you to follow your heart, but for some reason my head claims my heart to be weak, to be scared. My head decided that 6 months was enough time to heal a broken heart, I actually didn’t love my ex, if anything I was still recovering from my first break up a year and a half previously. My head told my heart to take the risk, to give someone a chance, let someone in. My heart said no. My heart decided to trick the head into thinking that the heart was going along with it. The door was cracked open, just enough to appease the head, let some emotions show, let my head believe that maybe there was something more, something there. Only, my heart wasn’t in it.

The reality hit when things ended. It didn’t hurt. You’d think if I gave someone my heart it would hurt. I spent 6 months drinking and battling depression in a basement because it fucking hurts when your heart is broken. But this time, I was angry. I wanted respect. This is the god dam 21st century and I refuse to be tossed aside or strung along. My head realised the mistake he’d made of pushing my heart to attempt love when the heart wasn’t ready after being stood up. Zero respect from someone who claimed to have loved me, who wasn’t trying to hurt me but already had a new flavor of the week. Someone who was too coward to tell me to my face that they were over me, that they’d moved on. 

For someone who should be, my head is not a listener. My head will gloss it all over, I may have been told repeatedly that he treated girls like shit, my heart knew he treated women like objects, I was always just a warm place for his dick. But my head, forever confident said I am different, while my heart asked what makes me different? My head was so caught up in the idea of love, the notion of trust and adventure and devotion, he never realized my heart wasn’t in it. Until it didn’t break. My heart was still vaulted down behind the door that had been cracked open to pacify my head. So while there was some minor blowback and flashes of pain, he knew better than to come out.

Here’s hoping this little adventure will give my head a little perspective. Just because I don’t want to be alone, I miss the idea of love in my life, doesn’t mean chase it down the coke alley. There will be someone. Someone who brings my heart out without my head even noticing. They will be a warm beacon to defrost all the ice built around my core. I had a conversation with my ex recently. He told me we couldn’t be friends because his new girlfriend hates me. She’ll forever blame me for the lies he told and he’ll forever compare every girl to me. Don’t think I can be pushed aside, I hold a place in his heart as securely as he is in mine. I taught you how to fuck, fuck boy. There will always be temporary love, infatuations; Minor obsessions, something new and exciting in this drab world. But there is also true wholesome love. No matter what my head is telling my heart, my heart can always tell the difference.

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X Fest Calgary

I was given the long weekend off. I work in hospitality, making this an unheard of statement. The main problem was no one else had the long weekend off. I checked in with a couple friends from BC to see if anyone would be wine touring for the long weekend but pretty much everyone was staying home. I didn’t want to waste 3 days off doing nothing, but my attempts at planning a Saskatchewan road trip were getting me no where, there wasn’t anything that jumped out at me as a must see. Luckily, I have a roommate who has quickly become my person.

When I told her I had the long weekend off she didn’t hesitate in asking me to go to¬†X Fest in Calgary with her. I didn’t know if she’d get the days off but quickly became excited at the idea of a weekend away,¬†listening to The Lumineers, Arkells, July Talk and Twenty One Pilots. Sure enough, her manager pulled through and Saturday morning we headed out for the hostel. I may have broken my phone on Saturday so unfortunately I have no photos to show from the weekend but that won’t make it any less epic in my memory.

This was one of those weekend I’ll always remember. Sure enough, checking into the HI proved no problem. The festival was 2 blocks away, open air style. Sunday was Calgary’s Pride Parade. We did it all. We stayed both nights till the end, obviously no one wants to miss the headliners. The Lumineers were beautiful and I cried. A friend had warned me not to miss the performance by Arkells as they are his favourite live band to watch perform. And I got to say, I was not disappointed. The energy from the performers was out of this world. From singing lyrics I didn’t actually know at the top of my lungs, to laughing along at the jokes and crying at the beauty that is live music.

There’s a head statue in Calgary. I’ve always driven by it and thought, I need a picture of that. My favourite statue is in Canmore, it’s also a head statue but this one is made of stone. So having my person with me worked out wonderfully as she didn’t even question my desire to finally go to this statue. Turns out its made of metal rungs, which are extremely easy to climb, and you can walk inside the head. Sure enough after double checking security wasn’t watching I climbed up into the chin of this massive head and sat for a moment. It hit me like a welcome wave. I am generally excited about life. I don’t know what’s to come of the next 6 months. A lot of people will be moving on from Banff, the cold front is already starting and the mountains are being sprinkled with snow as we speak. Yet, I have friends returning for their second winter season, I will get the chance to meet all the new mountain seekers, I’m going to have a go at being a server.

There’s nothing screaming extreme excitement, other than Australia, and yet I’m euphoric. I want to start running. I want to try serial dating, leaving a string of broken hearts in my wake. I want to read a really good book. And I can’t wait because this is just the beginning. My life has finally started.