nothing really matters

Last night, I was speeding up highway 1 along side a beautiful Audi R8. This car is my exes dream car, the convertible version is my number 2 dream car only after any type of Maserati. There were two separate lightening storms happening, one over Lake Minnewanka and another striking out at the Three Sisters. One of my favorite Canadian bands, The Barenaked Ladies came on the radio belting out It’s All Been Done.

In this moment, I felt at peace. I’m reading The Dharma Bums, given to me by the muse for my birthday. It’s my first real glance at Buddhism I’ve ever had. This practice or the way Ray Smith practices in the book is the first religion to ever truly resonate with me. He states that “nothing is everything and everything is nothing.” Like Queen said in Bohemian Rhapsody: nothing really matters. 

I’ve just had my heart broken. I knew it would happen, I just didn’t imagine to be cut off, I would prefer an actual conversation or hatred or I’m just not that into you. Verses this ghosting technique, just disappearing never to be heard of again, that has become so popular with men. I knew the muse was temporary, we always had a deadline looming overhead of us, put on by us. If we’d wanted the relationship to last, there never would’ve been a barrier of visas, oceans and distance. That’s probably why I’ve only ever referred to him as the muse or introduced him to my family by just his name, no title. It didn’t fit to say boyfriend because at any point he would drop off the face of the earth, no break up, just no more. 

I gave myself the best piece of advice when I decided to pursue this relationship. Whether it was 6 days, 6 weeks or 6 months, during that period I knew i would be truly happy. And I was. I’ve decided to not analyze any of it, just leave the memories as they are in my heart. Pure and happy and full of love. I’ve never read something more beautiful than the way he described me in Something Beautiful. He is a wonderful boy, I hope he finds what he’s looking for out there in the big bad world. The only part I’m struggling with is sleeping alone every night, not having forehead kisses to wake up to every morning. And we never finished Lord of the Rings.

I know one day I’ll meet a man who is not intimidated by a self assured woman. Who I won’t describe as a boy. Who won’t turn into a coward and run away from something beautiful although difficult. This three month summer romance may have been what I needed to realize I could love and be loved again. A lesson has been learned that I couldn’t see for myself on my own. Now I’m more determined then ever to be in Australia by March. Sun kissed skin is in my future.

 

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