Is that an excuse?

Is telling someone you’re not good enough for them an excuse? Or do you have their best interest at heart and want them to be happy? I hate to be told that I’m too good for someone or they’re not good enough for me. I love that my friends think I deserve the world but why can’t what I want be good enough for me? Considering I rarely want for anything. My sister asked me what I want for my birthday and I said nothing, there’s nothing I need.I remember sitting in my room telling my ex that I’d met someone and was over the sick game we’d been playing with each other. He was angry, told me I was better than an expat who was constantly fiending for the next drugs. Then he looked at me and said he should’ve proposed but that he would never be good enough for me. We’d dated for 3 years and I would’ve dropped the world for him. I only came back to Canada for him and he punched a hole in my chest by saying that. Not just the proposal part, but I spent 3 years showing my unconditional love for this boy and his insecurities kept him from fighting for me.

I’ve been told I’m intimidating. I don’t see it, I have just as many insecurities and imperfections as the next person. I just prefer to put on a brave face, act like I know what I’m doing and feign confidence. For some reason people think I’ve got my ducks in a row and that they’ll only knock one over by being with me. If I choose to let you into my life, if I decide to give you a chance, that is me saying you are good enough. If you weren’t, I’d have no trouble rejecting you like every other boy who crosses my path. I had someone try and convince me that they were perfect for me. We had known each other for a week when he started asking me to quit my job and come work with him, the possibility of moving in together in a few months, traveling the world together when he was done his apprenticeship. And I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go on a date with him.

This is one of those moments where you can’t have what you want. But I was told you should ask for what you want. So I’m asking, as much as I hate rejection, waiting, anticipation. Maybe that girl was right when she said I need to ask for what I want, the world can only give back what you’ve already put out in to it. Or as some might say, Karma. It’s better to put it out there, be open, honest. I’d rather be happy it happened over wondering what could’ve been. I feel like that was a lot of clichés all at once. I’m sorry.

Rant over. I feel better.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s