Changing Paths

It’s better to chase something you want verses letting it slip by. You’ll always wander as things pass you by what if but when it’s something you truly want, you’ll know. It’ll hit you like a ton of bricks, or a bus. The moment you lose it, there’s an intense regret over messing up whatever the situation was. 

Yesterday I read something beautiful, it spoke straight into my heart and I could feel myself melting. The cold exterior I built around myself over the last year started to wear away, and that scares the living shit out of me. I’ve been in love. It was pure bliss, having someone know you so completely that you feel whole. So when that ends, it’ll never end neatly or peacefully. It’s called heart break for a reason. 

How do you open yourself up to potential self-destruction? With something incredible standing in front of me, I’m having a fight or flight moment. All I’ve done the last year is run, from everything that wouldn’t have been easy emotionally, I wanted to rid my life of negativity. I am truly unbelievably happy in life at this moment. And I have a possibility to feel whole again, whether it be six days, six weeks or six months. But can I handle the aftermath?

Growing up, I knew I have a destructive personality. When I’m unhappy, I crave change. I’ve shaved my head, quit jobs, bought a new car, solely because something needs to change in my life for me to move forward again. I had 6 months of wallowing after my ex. 6 months of letting him use me, tears and netflixs. It’s the darkest period in my life because I feel like I stopped living. Someone asked me why I would deny something I want. I usually believe in throwing yourself at the things you want. You want to move? Go for it. Over your lover? Leave him. Sushi? Sushi. But matters of the heart are a different category. I keep it locked away from all situations for safe keeping. 

But caving for a desire that will reveal the door? I take that seriously. Because if they’re using you, or lying to get whatever they want, at the end of the day they move on satisfied while I sit at home with a hole punched through my wall and a new layer of ice around my heart. Right now, I feel like I’ve taken my eyes off the key for a second, and you’re standing in front of me with it in your hands. I am completely terrified, frozen with fear, I feel as if the floor has dropped out from beneath my feet. 

But I’ve decided this is something I want to hold onto, not pass me by. Normally I’d kill to have that key and keep my doors hidden, but I’m stepping aside and the choice is yours. If it ends in heartbreak, at least I’ll be able to look back and know that I was truly happy in that moment. 

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