I just feel like I’ve left my last post open ended, on a bit of a cliff hanger you know? I didn’t mean to it just got caught up in this thing we call life.
Part of me feels like I took the easy way out. I said no to a passionate relationship with someone who fell in love with me in the span of a week. At the same time, I had so many reservations, he was very demanding and controlling. I’ll admit I’ve read 50 shades of Grey and thought having my own Christian Grey sounds enticing. But I can not forfeit total control. There’s a lure to just giving in, not having to think when you’re with someone. Just know that they know you best and know what you want, need and desire. I’m not talking in a purely physical sense, I mean if I’m crying, do they know to give you space or force you to open up.
In the end, it was a night out with my friends that solidified my decision. I was in an abusive relationship 4 days before I met the new boo and what made me leave was the realization of options. Why succumb yourself to constant acts of malice and hatred when you can find love in a multitude of forms in any period through out your life. I feel like I was hiding in the relationship, it covered up having to face that I was alone and had moved provinces and left my life behind. Only after leaving my cruel girlfriend and meeting Dylan 2.0, I realized the best thing for me at this point in time is to be single.
I want to stay out all night dancing. I want to crash on friends couches, spare beds or floors without someone interrogating me on where I spent the night and getting upset because all my friends are guys. I want to feel alive. And I don’t want any strings, I don’t want someone to follow me around the world, as sweet as the gesture. I love being alone and being me, seeing how far I can push myself.
In the end, I sent a message saying this:
You know, I love beaches, oceans, warm waves. I want to go to Australia or Mexico or Honduras. But it’s like you want to go to Aspen or Japan for the powder and snow. It sounds amazing when you talk about it and you could convince me to want it.But it’s not really what I want, I don’t like the snow or the cold. You’ve just spun a pretty picture that I’m convinced I could want it. Only at the end of the day, I’m only doing it because it’s what you want. That’s how I feel about being with you. You could convince me of how amazing our love would be but I don’t want it. I want to be single, to be free, I want all the options open to me even if I don’t want to take those opportunities. I’m sorry I’ve been so indecisive but this is my final decision. I don’t want this.