Is it better to have loved and lost?

  I know this isn’t my typical post. Usually I’m talking about whatever European city I’ve recently visited, which Canadian province I’m moving to or which mountain town holds my next employment opportunity. But as of the last week, I’ve been struggling with love. 

I can distinctively say I’ve been in love twice. The first time was a whirlwind love at first site, lasted two days and I never saw him again. You may say that that is not love, but when I did finally meet up with my German Romeo four years later, it was like I was sixteen all over again. There’s a deep connection that makes me feel unexplainable connected to him. I can understand him when he speaks German and he understands me even though his English is mediocre at best. I can only describe him as a soul mate. 

Sorry that was extremely sappy. My second love started slower and was a high school sweet heart. We dated for 3 years before my entire world was destroyed. 

So now here I am, just out of a 7 month I don’t even know how to describe it relationship with a girl. This girl treated me like dirt, critiqued my every move and just generally only cared about herself. I’ve been free for two weeks and couldn’t be happier. Only, 1 week ago I met a boy. 

The new boy, has terrifyingly similar resemblances to my high school sweet heart. Starting with they have the same name, ending with our first date was on my old anniversary. This new boy, will tell me I’m beautiful, that I deserve to be loved and happy and that he believes he can do both for me. 

IT’S BEEN A WEEK. Now at first, it was all romantic and whimsical like a book where they elope after a two week whirlwind of sex and romance and over coming obstacles. Only thoses ones all involve billionaires. And now, I can see everything he’s saying but my heart is telling me to run.

The last year my heart has been in a constant stake of broken. I decided I’d rather deny myself another shot at love to preserve my sanity and spend some time alone. But am i making the right choice? Or am I just hiding from pain. Is it better to have loved and lost? Being in love is an incredible thing, but I’m not willing to part with any part of me at the moment, I can’t give myself fully to someone while I’m trying to heal my heart. I am not a coward but this feels like the cowards way out.  
If you have any comments or opinions, post at the bottom. Feed back is always appreciated. 


A recap of 2015

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a little disappointed in myself for not writing very much during 2015. I moved from Vancouver to Waterton to Canmore and have now started my second job in Canmore. Hopefully this one isn’t as soul sucking as the last and my staff accommodation will become semi permanent.

Waterton, AB


I went through a pretty toxic and abusive relationship with a girl for the majority of the year. Meeting in a place where you’re cut off from the real world sheltered us from struggles of an everyday life couple. We hated each other’s tv or movie choice, never wanted to go for the same time of food. Even cooking at home, I found her food bland, she hates any kind of spice. I’m a Caribbean girl, I like spice. Anyways, that has also been left behind in 2015 and as many good things as there were dating a girl, I’m done experimenting and solidified my preference to men only. 

This year my goal was to travel Canada. Not only did I move to Alberta permanently, I traveled Ontario for 2 weeks and spent a day in Montreal. I drove my rickety 97 VW across BC and have now traveled western Alberta a fair amount. Ontario was what I expected, I have amazing friends there but feel nothing for the province. Quebec, on the other hand, is a province I would consider living in. 

Union Station, Toronto


Chinatown, Montreal


And last but not least, I’ve set my goal for 2016. Obtain a working holiday visa and take off. I’m giving myself until November at the latest but actually planning for October. My sight is set on Australia but my heart is calling out to Central America. Only time will tell where my feet will take me!


But I promise to be faithful and continue writing with more frequency in this new year.